If you're struggling to shake an ex out of your subconscious, you're not alone. In fact, Americans are more likely to dream about an ex than their current partner, according to a recent survey by the online dream resource DreamsCloud.
The site surveyed 1,172 men and women about what goes through their mind mid-sleep. Interestingly, they found that 29 percent of people dreamt about past loves while only 25 percent fantasized about their current partners. And get this: Less than one in five people would tell their partners if they dreamt about cheating on them. We're guessing these people don’t talk in their sleep or they would definitely have some explaining to do.
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But is a blast from the past haunting your dreams really a bad omen? "In general, having sexual feelings or dreams about other people is normal," says licensed counselor and relationship therapist Anne McKay. "It doesn't necessarily mean you want to cheat on your partner, it just means you're comfortable having feelings for other people." (Especially if those people are Ryan Gosling or Joe Manganiello... what, just our dreams?!)
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That said, there's a chance that exes appearing in your dreams could mean you still have some lingering feelings—positive or negative—toward them that you need to resolve, says relationship expert Terri Orbuch, Ph.D. But even if these dreams are becoming excessive, it still doesn't mean that your current relationship is doomed. "If you are in a fulfilling relationship, then frequently dreaming about an ex shouldn't be a threat," says McKay. Instead, she says, it could mean that you might need some closure with the ex or you might be feeling guilty about the way things ended. Orbuch says dreams attempt to work out what you haven't let go of, which could be why your ex keeps popping up while you're asleep.
Finally, it could also be an indication that your current relationship isn't meeting all of your needs, says McKay. So how can you tell what's going on? Your best bet is assessing how happy you are with your partner in all aspects of your relationship—you know, while you're awake, says McKay. If everything's great in your bond and you had a random dream about one hot night with your ex, it's probably nothing. The bottom line: If you really want to know why you're dreaming about an ex, you may have to look at what's going on in your relationships with your eyes open.
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So about keeping these dreams from your partner—should you stay quiet or spill the details? Orbuch says she wouldn't recommend telling a partner unless there are major problems, like you're actually thinking of cheating or the dreams remind you of flaws in your current relationship. In that case, you should take to your partner about the root of the problem, not necessarily the dream itself.
If you do want to bring it up, you might want to also consider how new the relationship is, says McKay. "If you're in the initial stages of dating, it's probably not a great idea to share because you’re not secure enough in your relationship." (Plus, can you really blame your brain for still occasionally dreaming of your long-term ex when you first start dating someone new?) But if you're in a stable, healthy relationship where you feel comfortable enough to talk about it and don’t think it'll lead to any irrational jealousy, feel free to broach the topic. Because chances are, hooking up with an ex—like accidentally going into work naked—is something that you really don't want to do outside your dreams.
